It's been very bad for me nowadays...I'm worried about June camp...what are the ex-seniors gonna say when they see the sec 1s standard? Am I like so going to die? And the fact that I'll be sleeping only about 2 hours a night for 3 nights...Is it my fault? I think they chose the wrong person as a platoon leader...on top of this insecurity, is it my fault that I become this way? The fact that I'm losing who I was last time, what I used to believe and what I used to always fight for...what do I fight for last time? I forgot how it's like to be carefree...the fact that now I'm SO DAMN DEPENDENT ON PEOPLE!! I feel so so weak...it's like I can't even pick myself up when I fall down, just sit there and cry and cry and hope I die...that's what I used to do anyway..Want to know what's scaring me? It's not the seniors' scolding, it's not the hectic schedule for next term, what's scary is how I cling onto my relationships so tightly that when something happens, I get paranoid..it's how I realize I can so easily slip back to who I was back then before I met cartan and Mei Yi and really made friends...it's so scary..the fact that I can just go back from my words, pick up a knife and hurt myself, oh gosh..now I'm scared of the potential I have in myself, the violence and the dark thoughts, why have I grown to be this way? I tried to stop, I tried to forget all about this and start anew and make friends and be happy and be who I am...but who am I? I don't know, I don't know and I don't seem to find the answer at all...Sometimes I don't even recognise myself...sometimes I just stare at the mirror and wonder who is the person staring back my me...sometimes I see myself, I have a strong urge to punch myself in the face because I hate myself...Why must I relapse back to where I was standing before I move on...Don't know what is going on now and just before camp, this just had to happen..

I had an argument with my mum today...she blamed me for not going for ballet class and told me that I am not to go for church anymore. PMS or what? Then I couldn't think of anything to do to honour God even though it's Father's day because I've been studying and studying and trying to complete my homework! I didn't even celebrate father's day with my dad!!And I feel very remorseful for that...guilty is but an understatement...I'm sorry, I really am sorry..

Why can't I go to church? Why can't it be that I not go for ballet class instead of not going to church? Is it because of money? Then why can't she just ask me to work?? I can work and I don't mind working, even if I'm heading to my own grave! I've only got that few pathetic hours to learn and worhip God...Why must she deprived me for that even when she herself is a christian and once encouraged me to go to church?? It's so hard to argue in Chinese so I just gave up halfway..I shouldn't have..she probably think she won the argument...

Ok, so maybe not going for ballet class today was my fault...but have you any idea how lonely it is to go there myself and come back home myself? Have you any idea how alienated I feel in my class? I'm not someone who is very expressive and dancing has never been my flair...but it is my compassion for about 10 years now...I used to be so eager to be a professional dancer but I think that dream died somehow...who can successfully be a dancer in Singapore? And how long can I actually dance? Just half an hour of pointe can caused a sprained ankle, and to take advance? Wouldn't I be breaking my ankle then?

I want to quit ballet, yet I don't want to give up on what I used to love so much back then...what is happening now? Why must everything be this way just when I'm going for camp? I'm so scared I will not be able to hold myself up anymore,I'm scared that I will break down in front of the juniors..I'm not suppose to aren't I? I'm suppose to be a role model to them..but what's the point of all these actings that I've put on for so long? I don't think I can keep on acting till I die...But why is it that I can't, for once, not argue with my mum before I go for camp? Someone please answer me these: Is it my fault I am the way I am now? Is it my fault that council is so pathetic? Is it my fault that my family had to be like this? Is it my fault that I hurt so many people? Is it my fault that the sec 1s are not up to standard? Is it my fault for relapsing back?Haiz...I don't want to think of this anymore.

- #67

**I wonder if you will one day stumble upon here though I seriously doubt so...but if you do, this is what I've always wanted to say to you for a very very long time ago...It's not that I don't love you, I do, I really do but we've been drifting apart these past years and I've been wondering why...Sometimes I just wish we could patch back together and so I try to find time to spend time with you, to know you more because fragile is man..I'm sorry, I'm sorry for rejecting down your offers to spend time with you so much so that the only things you're closest to is your mother and the electronics...Yes, I don't share your taste for your kinds of movies...but that doesn't mean that I treat you as a stranger..in fact it's been bugging me the fact that you and grandma are like living in your own world, home becomes a sort of battleground for grandma and mom, my sister and mom and my sister and grandma...Your days are probably numbered already and I'm trying to cherish whatever time I have with you but it's hurtful to know that the family just can't get along...esp grandma and mom, they tend to backstab each other and I hate that...I despise that and I'm very very hurt by that, so much that sometimes I wish I'd die so that I don't have to face it anymore but I know suicide is a sin...Sometimes when I look through photo albums, I can't help but cry..when I compare you then and you now, I realize how many wrinkles there are on your face and how tired you look..is it because of me? I'm sorry, I'm sorry but I know sorry would not mend what I've done to you...But what I want you to know is that there are many times when I've looked into your eyes and know how hurt you are inside..I feel the same way too even if I seem very unaffected by it, and I want you to know that no matter what happens, having you as a father is the best thing that has ever happened to me...I rejoice in that and I thank the Lord for that...I'm scared of the day when you would leave me...I'm scared I am unable to make you proud of me...I'm scared that I'm not what you want me to be...For all the effort that you've put into me, for the unconditional love and the mercy and for pampering me and for tolerating the times when I must have hurt you like anything, I wish I could just hurt myself so that you will never be hurt again, to replace you in times of hardship so that you would not suffer, and ultimately to send you to heaven to live a happier life where all your wishes and dreams will come true..I know I may not be able to say what I've written here to you face to face but if there is a second chance, I pray that we would be close and that even as we leave, there is ease that the other is happy...I'm sorry for not being able to celebrate this occasion even though I celebrated Mother's day...but from my heart,Happy Father's Day..**